Eight Questions for Hermione
by IHateSnakes
Summary: Oneshot humorous look at Harry's plan to get Ron and Hermione together.  Ron is very OOC in this story.


"Ron, you two have known each other for eleven years, and you've been all but dating for the last four. What's so bloody difficult?"

"Harry, don't nag him."

"Who's nagging? Ron, am I nagging you?"

"Yes."

"Told you."

"Look Ron, you like her, don't you?"

"Yeah..."

"In fact, you love her, don't you?"

"Yes!"

"Ok, that's all that matters. Now Ron, I've got a plan, with these eight questions you can get Hermione..."

"_No Harry! Not another plan._"

"It can't fail, Gin."

"Why not?"

"Because it worked."

"What do you mean it worked? On who?"

"Us."

"Oh, ok."

"Now Ron…hang on, let me get some paper and a pen."

"Use a pencil, Ron."

"Ok, here Ron, now write this down. Number one. Ask her out."

"Got it."

"Number two. Ask her if she likes…no, wait a minute…"

Ginny gives Ron a pencil.

"Thanks, Ginny."

Scratching noises

"Ok. Number two is asking her to dance."

"Harry, you never asked me to dance. And our number one was snog me senseless."

"Well, we have to make certain adjustments for personality. Ok now, dancing."

"Harry, _I can't dance_."

"Sure you can, you danced at the Yule ball, didn't you?"

"That was seven years ago, Harry. And I wouldn't call it dancing, it was more of a shaking thing."

"Well, how about at our wedding, you danced then."

"Harry, er, that was late at night, and with George."

"Ron, I thought you danced with Bill."

"No, Ginny, remember I had to work in the joke shop for a month to pay off his ruined shoes?"

"Oh, yeah, that's right."

"Ok, um, Ginny, would you teach Ron how to dance?"

"Sure, when?"

"Right now."

"Harry, I'm eight and a half months pregnant, I can't see my feet, and I have to pee every six minutes. Maybe you should find someone else."

"Sorry, Ron, she's being difficult."

Whack

"_Oww. That hurt, Gin_."

"Say you're sorry."

"Sorry, Gin."

"Harry, you can't get Ron and Hermione together by following the dots."

"Why not? It's perfect for her, she lives and breathes organization."

"Maybe she'd like something spontaneous for a change."

"Well, we could do spontaneous numbers."

Exasperated Sigh from the couch

"Harry, I don't know about this."

"Look Ron, you don't want to be a thirty year old virgin, do you?"

"_HARRY!"_

"Who said I was a virgin?"

"You did. Has your status changed since last year?"

"Ok, I'm a virgin, what else is new?"

"Ron, you want Hermione, right? Ok, then you have to think Hermione, you have to be Hermione. Got it? You have to want it so bad you can taste it."

"Not a good metaphor, Harry; he's a virgin, remember?"

"Too right. Sorry Ron."

"Ok Harry, what's number three?"

"Ok, this is good, now you're thinking Ron. Focus. Number three is, now get this, while you're dancing, you kiss the top of her head _THEN_ ask her 'was that ok?' Guaranteed to work!"

"Harry, I'm a head and a half taller that Hermione, that's the only place I _could_ reach."

"Well, there you go. A perfect plan. God I'm good."

Whack

"Hey, cut that out."

"Sorry Ron, I was aiming for Harry."

"Alright. Now we're at number five."

"Four, Harry, you're on number four."

"Oh, right. Number four is like number three, you have to do it first, and then ask the question. So, you're done dancing."

"How many times do I kiss the top of her head?"

"Let's just say once for now. Ok, number four. You're done dancing, on your way back to the table you gently take her hand, stop, turn toward her, and holding your hands up together say, 'you don't mind this, do you?'"

"Ok, ok, just a mo, um, what comes after 'gently take her hand?'"

"Here, I'll write it down. There. Ok, next is number five. Number five is: 'Can I kiss you?' Eh? What do you think?"

"Harry, I just kissed her, do I have to do it again?"

Harry looks at Ginny. Ginny shakes her head

"Ron, the idea here is that the first one was spontaneous, let me see, that was number…uh…"

"Three, Harry, the first kiss was number three."

"Thanks, Gin. Ok, right, so number five is the second kiss. Now Ron, you have to trust me on this. You've had your wine, you've had your steak, you've danced and kissed her head and held hands. Now you go back to the table and have a little more wine…"

"Harry, this baby will be born before you get to number eight."

"…lean close, say something sensual like…"

"I know, Harry. I'll say: Did you like the steak?"

"Well…that's _not quite_ what I had in mind, Ron."

Harry looks at Ginny. Ginny shakes her head. Harry shakes his head, too

"How about, 'Hermione…"

"I know, I know, I'll tell her I like her breasts."

Whack

"You meant to hit me that time, didn't you, sis?"

"Too right, Ronald."

"Now look, take this seriously, Ron. Tell her: 'Hermione, I find you attractive and you really turn me on.'"

Whack

"_NOW WHAT'S WRONG?_"

"Harry, if you had used that line on me I would have married Michael Corner."

"Alright, alright, what do _you_ suggest?"

"Ron, look her in the eyes and tell her she's beautiful."

Pause

"But what if she's not all dressed up and looking….ha! Missed me."

"_Oh for Pete's sake!_"

"Look you two, let's face it, Hermione and I just aren't made to get married."

"Ron, I'm not trying to get you married, I'm trying to get you…"

Whack

"Ok, I deserved that one. Look Ron, it's obvious to everyone in the world, including Hermione, that you two are made for each other. Aren't I right Gin?"

"First time tonight, love."

"So let's finish the list and then we can rehearse it. What's wrong now?"

"Who am I going to rehearse it with?"

"Ginny'll do it, wont you?"

"She's my sister, Harry; I'm not going to say this stuff to her."

"Why not, just pretend she's Hermione. Look," Harry whispers into Ron's ear, "she even has the boobs now that she's pregnant. He he he. Got away with that one, didn't I? Now ask her if she'll do it, it sounds better coming from you."

"Ok, Ginny, will you practice this with me, when I have all eight questions?"

"Sure Ron, why not."

"Great, you two. Ok, now we get to the hard part."

"What?"

"Don't panic, Ron, you have a great coach. Question six is: 'Would you like to come up to my flat for a night cap?'"

Pause

"Harry, I don't think she wears those things. Do you know, Ginny?"

Ginny stares at her brother and Harry says a prayer for strength.

"Ron, a 'night cap' is a drink up in your flat, like an after dinner liqueur."

"Oh, I see, ok, I can do that."

Ginny continues to shake her head

"Just two more, Ron, just two more."

"Until what? Oh, right Harry, sorry. Go on."

"Question number seven, Ron, this is a big one. Question number seven. Ron, write this down."

"I am, Harry, see there's the '7' I'm just waiting for you…"

"Ron, number one isn't 'snog her senseless,' that was Ginny and me."

"What was number two?"

"_ASK HER TO DANCE!"_ Harry and Ginny reply together.

"Got it, right. Ok, Harry, what's seven?"

"Number seven is…"

"HELLO, any one home? Hi Ginny, Hi Harry. Oh, Ron, what are you doing here?"

"I'm eating dinner, Hermione, what does it look like I'm doing? What are you doing here?"

"Ginny invited me over to talk about a list she was making for something. What was it, Gin?"

"Yes, dear, what was this list you were going to work on with Hermione?"

"I have to pee. Why don't you come too, Hermione?"

"_WHAT?"_

"Come on, _now_."

The females exit

"I can't believe her. Ron, she's doing the same thing with Hermione. This is perfect."

"Why, is she going to ask this stuff instead of me?"

Harry bangs his head on the table

"No, Ron, Ginny's going to have Hermione all prepped. You ask the questions, she'll give the answers. What could be better?"

"Are you sure that's what they're doing, Harry? It doesn't matter. What's seven?"

"Ok, seven is: sit on the couch and ask her if you can kiss her again."

The females return

"Boy I sure had to pee, glad Hermione got here."

"_What?"_

"Hermione, want some cake?"

"Sure, Gin, thanks."

"So, what's going on Hermione?"

"I'm eating cake, Ronald"

Harry whispers into Ron's ear: 'Ask her number one.'"

Ron whispers back: "No! You guys are here."

Harry whispers threateningly: "Ronald, _ask her_."

"Hermione?"

"What is it, Ron?"

"Would you like to go to dinner tomorrow night? I know a great place that has dancing and…"

"Sure, that sounds great. What's the dress?"

Ron makes frantic gestures to Harry while Hermione picks up her napkin

"Um, Ron, when Gin and I went there it was semi-formal. Right Gin?"

"Right Harry."

"Great. What time? I don't get off work until six."

Ron makes more frantic gestures while Hermione takes her plate to the sink

"Well, Ron, you'll probably want to give Hermione enough time to get home and change and freshen up, that sort of stuff. Right Hermione?"

"Yeah, Gin, that's the picture. You want to come by about eight, Ron?"

"Sure, eight it is."

"Great. Say Ron, would you mind walking me home, I hate these streets at night."

"Sure, Hermione, but why don't you just appa… _Oww_, Harry, that hurt."

"Sorry, mate, didn't see you there."

Harry does the walking fingers thing with both hands while Hermione gets her coat

"Harry, this is your house, why would I have the bloody yellow pages?"

"Good night, all." Harry says and leaves the room.

"Come on, Ron, let's go."

I I I I I I I I I I

"Harry, I smell disaster. Why did you do that?"

"Why did I do what? How about your 'little list' for Hermione?"

"What are you talking about, Harry? That was a list of Christmas gifts for you. Oh Harry, you didn't…Please tell me…never mind, good night, Harry."

I I I I I I I I I I

The Next Evening

I I I I I I I I I I

"Ron, this was lovely, the food was wonderful. Have you eaten here before?"

"No, Harry and Ginny suggested it. I'm glad you like it."

Hermione looks around the room, at the band, the people dancing

"Hermione, would you like to dance?"

Ron's voice cracks on 'you'

"I'd love to, Ron. Thank you."

They go out to the dance floor. Ron impresses himself (and Hermione) by not laming either of them

A real slow and sensual tune starts. Ron begins to walk off the floor but Hermione won't let him. She pulls him in close and they start to "slow dance"

"Ron, this is nice, why haven't we done this before?"

"Number three, what was number three?"

"Excuse me, Ronald?"

"Oh, sorry, Hermione, I was just thinking about…something at the office."

"At the office? Ron, how about just dancing and leave the office till next week."

"Right, love, sorry."

They dance some more

"Ron, what did you just say to me?"

"I said 'Right…eewww.' Sorry, Hermione."

"Why? Don't you love me?"

Ron loosens his collar, a la Rodney Dangerfield

"You know I do, Hermione."

"No, Ron, I don't. That was the first time you said that to me; I like it."

Smiling, Ron looks down and lightly kisses the top of Hermione's head and pulls her in closer

"Was that ok?"

"Definitely.

Hermione returns the embrace, holding Ron, her arms around his neck. The music stops

"That was nice, Ron."

Walking back to the table their hands brush against each other's and Ron takes Hermione's hand

"Is this ok, Hermione?"

Hermione takes their clasped hands in her other hand

"Very much so."

They drink the wine and Hermione leans toward Ron across the table.

"Ron, I'm having a wonderful time here with you. Let's do this more often."

"Hermione, may I kiss you?"

"Yes."

They kiss. Ron's elbow lands in the butter dish

"Hermione, would you like to come up to my flat and have a night gown?"

"_What did you just say, Ron?"_

"I said, 'Hermione, would you like to come up to my flat and have a night gown'."

"You mean a 'night cap'?"

Ron's face turns bright red

"Sorry, that's what I meant."

Hermione blushes, too

"That would be very nice."

They get up, Ron pays the bill, and they leave the building holding hands then Apparate to Ron's flat

"Dang, what was number seven?"

"What did you say?"

"Oh, um, I said this evening has been heaven."

"Yes it has."

They sit together on the couch. Ron takes Hermione's hand

"Hermione may I kiss you again?"

"MmHmm, thought you'd never ask."

Lots of 'kissy-face'

"Um, just a mo, Hermione. I have to…um…use the floo, I mean loo."

Ron walks to the fireplace in the master bedroom and floos Harry

"Harry, are you there?"

"Ron, what's going on? I thought you were out with Hermione."

"I am. Harry I have her in my flat and everything is going as planned. But you never told me what number eight is."

"Oh, yeah. Number eight is..."

"Harry, my water just broke…oh, hi Ron…we have to go, I'm feeling a contraction."

"_HARRY, what's number eight?_"

"Sorry mate, gotta go. But you should be able to figure it out yourself."

Harry disappears and Ron returns to the living room, sitting next to Hermione

"Ron, did I hear you talking to someone?"

"Oh, uh, no...Hermione, would you like to…I mean, can we, you know…

Hermione plays with Ron's hair, watching his eyes intensely

"Yes, Ron? Can we what?"

"Would you like to…I mean, would you marry me?"

"Yes Ron, I will. I've been waiting a long time for you to ask that. Now, is there anything else you'd like to ask me to do?"

Hermione leans forward and kisses Ron on the lips

"Er, no Hermione, that was all, I just had those eight questions…"


End file.
